Lambent

I haven't had a flashback to any of my abuse in YEARS. I think it's because I've reached a point where I can accept and deal with the facts of what happened, so now I just have to work on the healing part - releasing the anger and rage, the pain and sorrow, and doing it all in a healthy manner. My guitar is an excellent release - when I'm angry I'll play it for hours - sometimes learning up to 3 songs in one night. I've only recently started to cry again, and I've been allowing myself the TIME to have a good cry. Admittedly some days I give myself 5 minutes and tell myself to buck up, but still..5 minutes is more than I was giving myself last month! When I'm feeling anxious, or even calm and happy I dive into my jewelry making. It puts me into an almost meditative trance and I'm not thinking about anything other than the task at hand.

Around Christmas I had a flashback to when I was about 3 years old. My parents had hired a young boy to babysit me, and he was awesome. One night he was giving me a bath...I was lying on my stomach in the bathtub and suddenly I felt his hand spank my bottom. I remember flipping over and asking "What was that for?" or something like that and he told me not to tell anyone. I didn't, and I forgot all about until this year. It came to me in an odd way...I was visiting my father and they just recently installed a jacuzzi bathtub. Every time I visit the women in my family always ask me the same question - "So are you going to have a spa night tonight?" Then it dawned on me. I hate bathing. I really hate bathing at somebody else's house. I used to scream and cry when it was bath time, and it wasn't until I was 14 that I was able to have a shower. If it wasn't for the constant barrage of questions regarding spa nights when I'm visiting I likely would have never felt the need to question myself as to why I feel the way that I do.

When I returned home after the holidays I told my best friend about the flashback. I thought maybe I was over-reacting - nobody really has memories of when they were 3 years old...do they? The look of horror mixed in with a healthy dose of disgust that passed over her face said it all. "So you think that's really what the issue is? Is it possible that this really did happen?" I asked her. Being that she's not a psychologist or a medical practitioner of any sort she couldn't give me a firm answer but she did say that the mind has an incredible talent to suppress memories for a very long time.

About a week later I had another flashback. I was 7 or 8, and we had this new kid in the neighborhood. My mother and I both remember what she said the first time she laid eyes on him..."That boy is going to be a serial killer some day...he's evil...it's in his eyes." It didn't take long before he was making it a habit to lock the girls of the neighborhood into a shed and touching us at knife point. None of us ever told anyone..the kid was scary crazy. When we moved here, his parents stopped in for a visit. We hadn't seen them in a few years and it turns out that they had been living here for a few years. They stopped by for one reason and one reason only - to warn me that he was going to the same high school I would be going to and to stay as far away as possible. I remember talking to my parents about it and wondering why they had warned me...I didn't remember the shed incidents at that time.

At my last counseling appointment I told him that I was having this weird flashbacks to when I was 3 and 7 and that I didn't understand what the hell was going on. He assured me that we'd work through the issues and the next week he was off sick and hasn't been back since...

This past Saturday one of my best friends moved out of town for a few months to get some training for work. He asked me if I wanted to go for coffee before he left town and if I would mind giving him a ride to the bus depot. I drove over and picked him up but could not shake the feeling that I was going to burst into tears at any moment. When we got to the bus depot he left me in the car alone for a few minutes to go buy his ticket. I sat there and just let my thoughts wander...2 more flashbacks.

The first one, I was in kindergarten and we were asked to draw a self-portrait. I had just learned the week before that my name actually means butterfly and I was absolutely thrilled by this revelation. I decided that I would draw a butterfly for my self-portrait. I got yelled at by the teacher - we were not drawing insects today, we were drawing a self-portrait. Look at Billy's picture - see how it kind of looks like him? THAT'S a self-portrait.

The second flashback happened right after the first. I was sitting in a different classroom and we were coloring hearts for Valentine's Day. Everyone else was coloring their hearts in the normal heart colors - red and pink - so I decided that I was going to color mine blue and purple. I got yelled at by this teacher - hearts are NOT purple and blue they are red and pink! If I had only looked around the room at all the Valentine decorations I would have clearly seen that hearts are red and pink.

My friend returned from buying his ticket and I shared what happened with him. It was just so odd...why am I going back to getting yelled at by my elementary school teachers?! Then it hit me - I'd been wondering why it's only been since this past September that I really took hold of my creativity and did something with it. I was taught from a young age that creativity and imagination were bad things, so I shut them off! As I was working through my thoughts out loud I could see my friend slowly start to smile. The announcer came over the PA to remind everyone to tag their luggage and I was jolted back to 2008. We said our see ya soon's and hugged and I slowly drove away as he boarded the bus. It wasn't until I drove past my old high school that I finally exhaled and felt the tears on my face. Before I really had time to think about it I heard a voice say, "Clearing out the old to make way for the new."

This afternoon, I finally understood. I thought it was about my friend and how letting go of HIM is making way for the new but that wasn't making any sense. I put the pieces together and realized that the reason why I'm having these flashbacks and why these issues are coming to the surface is so that I can deal with them once and for all and move forward.

Forward...into the new...into the light...into the JOY!